grrr

Ok.. so I feel like a complete fool now... Everything i said about my the guy I met online? I take back. I was a delusional idiot. Gah.... after everything Ive gone through with men in my life, you would think that I'd be more careful. But no. I fell head over heels in love for a guy.. I had always promised myself that I wouldnt fall that hard for someone. That i wouldnt give myself that.. completely. So what do I do? The first guy that shows me tons of attention in a long time.. I go and develop real feelings for. So what does that get me? Not just a broken heart, cuz Ive had those before.. This was a very long painful process of realization.. I'm not even sure there's anything left of my heart at this point. I'm slowly starting to block everyone out again. This whole being open and letting people in gig is really damn over rated. I've become so damn numb.. Nothing matters anymore. *shrugs* i know he doesnt love me and didnt love me anywhere near as much as i did him. And that hurt so much.. More than I ever thought it would. And its funny. He has someone else now. But still wants to pretend that he and I are something. I gave him the perfect out the other night. But no, he wants to insist that he still loves me.. of course he loves me, why would i think otherwise? pppffft! Fuck that. How could i feel otherwise? Gee I dunno can we ask the powers that be to let us borrow the videotape of the past like four months or so? See how he's constantly disregarded my feelings on things? How blatantly disrespectful he's been at times? How he's purposely hurt me? Or ignored me? Only to come back a few hours later to say " I love ya, I missed you today. I miss talking to you" BULLSHIT! And... I know I'm a masochist. I know that i should just end it. But... then he wins ya know? He can pretend that I broke up with him, that i was the equivalent of the wicked witch of the west. Fuck that. No.. he wants us to be over with, he can break up with me his damn self. I'm not gonna do anymore favors for him. I'm through being all nice and stuff.. Gah.. and the thing is? I'm not even truly angry. I'm cold. Numb. This is my revenge to him, but.. i doubt i'll reap any satisfaction from it. I cant feel anymore. I had to turn my heart off before there was nothing left of it.

Ok.. i'm done