life

Where to begin? Life has been incredibly insane for a long time, and lately it only seems to get worse. I've dropped out of college,... finally. It's been a long time coming and I think going back for this past semester was one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life, and I've done a lot of dumb things. So now I'm back home in NYC, and I'm wasting away. I've discovered that short of my best friend's girlfriend and her friends, I have no friends here. I mean, sure they're really nice people and all, but i don't feel I fit in with them... I've never been able to figure out why not.
Scratch that.. I have. I've never fit in no matter where I go. It's like I'm not supposed to be a part of this world, and I'm only here my accident. Like maybe I was meant for something else, and got switched at birth or something. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. When I was little, I used to think I was adopted, cuz i'm so different then the rest of my fmaily. I figured they thought I couldn't handle the truth so they hid it from me, and that they'd tell me when i hit 18. Well here I am at 19, and they haven't told me yet. I'm begining to think that they'll never tell me, which means one of 2 things: Either 1) i'm really they're child, in which case i'm a really f'd up person, or 2) they don't have the nerves to tell me. I guess i'll prolly never know which of the above it is, but i can always wonder.
But anyways, right now i'm stuck at a crucial point in my life, and i really don't want to deal with it. I've decided to take a semester off, and figure out what i'm gonna do with my life. I have family in Kentucky and they want me to come down and live with them for awhile and see how i like it. My 'rents want me to consider going to a 2year college and then go and finish my college career somewhere else. Meanwhile all i want to do is find myself.
Find myself. God that sounds so corny, but it's true. I've lived my life for so many other people, and have so many different personalities to fit my surroundings, that i have no clue who i am anymore. The past 2 years of my life have totally upheaved everything that i thought about myself, to the point where i can barely tell up from down. I'm left wondering "who am i?, What's my point in life?" And it sucks cuz i don't have any answers to those questions. I lost my path a long time ago, and finding it in the jungle that is my life will be a bitch. Finding myself is like trying to find the meaning of life, or the fountain of youth. One of those never ending searches, that people die before finding. And with my current state of mind, i really don't think i'll find the answers before just giving up and ending everything. God that's depressing. But i'm just trying to be realisitic i guess. I need help, but i don't trust anyone enough to actually talk to a shrink... That's another thing i've never been able to figure out. Why don't i trust people? What happened to me that i fear betrayal all the time? I don't even trust my best friends with a lot of my thoughts and feelings... Isn't that what your best friends are supposed to be for? To trust in them, and confide in them? What happened to me to cause me to shut myself off from the world?
Now i know most people would automatically say that i was probably abused by someone, most likely a relative, but i can guarantee that that's not the case. My dad wasn't home long enough to do anything to me, and my mom was too tired after work and taking care of me and my bro to do anything either. We're not close with any of my relatives, so that's out of the question. So it wasn't abuse or anything. I don't think i'll ever know, but maybe that's a good thing. Cuz whatever it was, it must have been pretty bad, cuz i have walls up bigger than the great wall of china and the former Berlin wall put together. Everyonce in awhile, pieces will crumble, but that happens from wear and tear all the time, but the wall always stands firm, just minus a piece or 2.... i think it'll take a really long time before this wall comes down. I don't think anyone has the patience to break down my walls, i mean i can be really stubborn when i want to. that's the main reason why i've never had a boyfriend. no guy really wants to put up with all of my BS. why would they when they can find a girl who doesn't have so much emotional baggage, and that can love and be loved by them so easily. I dunno.
It seems like i don't know much of anything doesn't it? That's because i don't, i've lived in a semi-enclosed bubble my entire life and am only now finding out what the real world is like.. Oh what joy, i'm so glad life has decided to show me all of it's twists and turns cuz it's just made my life so much more interesting. :-P.. aight i better go, but if your reading this, thanks for letting me vent, i needed it
catch ya on the flip side,
chris